Penguin Evangelion Penguin

Episode 1:   Angel Attack

      So what appears to be something like a nuclear blast turns the whole area into craters, but the car survives.
      Gawd this Shinji kid is such a total wuss.   I don't care how much of a hero he becomes- He's a wuss.

Episode 2:   Unfamiliar Ceiling / The Beast

      Kiddo, the reason your father doesn't want you around is that you're a loser.
      The city that Shinji saved?   I don't recall seeing anything happen to the angel.   Guess his wussiness disgusted the creature so much it left.
      Well that's the first Anime girl i've ever seen who drinks.   I see we have all those special touches Gainax brings us.   Aw nuts, accept the bounce that is.
      Oh, now we find out what happened with the angel.   Would have saved a lot of money if anyone had thought to lower the buildings during the fight.   Bet it'll be like the saucer separating on Next Generation- they'll pretty much forget about it after the first couple of episodes.
      Let me guess- wuss-boy is going to, at some point, suddenly and for no logical reason turn into the confident hero like the girl from Gunbuster.

Episode 3:   A Transfer / The Phone That Never Rings

      "I don't think he has any friends."   Really?   What part of his happy-go-lucky personality clued you in?
      If info about the Eva is supposed to be top secret, why on Earth did anyone trust wuss-boy with it?   They had no choice?   Fine, then why are they putting wuss-boy in a public school or even in public at all?   They can't stand to have him around very long, and this gets him away from them for at least a little while each day?   Okay, that i'll buy.
      Another angel.   I wonder if this battle will be as satisfying as the last one?
      I understand why they lower the buildings.   Aside from aesthetics, why do they go to all the trouble of raising them in the first place?   Why not just leave them underground all the time?
      Hey...Is that kid with the camera...He sounds like Chi-chiri from Fushigi Yugi.

Episode 4:   Rain, Escape, And Afterwards / A Hedgehog's Dream

      "I'm a coward...And a wimp."   Yes, you most certainly are.

Episode 5:   Rei / Beyond Her Heart

      Background info on Rei.   How she got hurt and how she's a bit loopy, but not as wuss-like as the boy.   Some kind of involvement between Rei and wuss-boy's father.   Don't know yet if it's a couple thing or a crush thing on Rei's part.
      Angel of the week attacks.   Whoopee.
      Wuss-boy is a bit less wussy.   Now he's just awkward (for the moment).
      I know the story says they have to use 14 year olds to pilot the Evas, but I still say it's just a plot device with no internal justification- 14 year old pilots only because that's the show's target demographic.
      Wuss-boy's dad, who is in command of the whole thing, didn't call for wuss-boy until what- 5 minutes?- before he needed wuss-boy to pilot Unit 01.   Had non-genius man (wuss-boy's dad) thought ahead and realized that some accident or other might happen to his existing pilot (Rei), he might have come up with the very obvious idea that maybe he should have a back-up pilot ready.   Had he done this- started to train wuss-boy earlier- maybe stuff like the warning to wuss-boy that the angel is about to fire on him would result in more than 'duhhhh...' and the Eva being shot.
      "The pilot's brain waves are extremely erratic."   That's because he's a wuss!

Episode 6:   Showdown In Tokyo 3

      "As soon as the indicators in the center converge, just pull the trigger."   So...why not have the computer do the whole thing?   What is it that wuss-boy is contributing to the situation (aside from his just sitting there in the Eva) other than his wussiness and higher probability of screwing up?
      Pen-Pen's pretty cool.
      Ya know- give me the lions, put them together, send in the Ro-Beast, and do it all without the angst.   Then i'll be happy.

Episode 7:   Human Creation

      Okay, so the new nuclear-powered Eva is a runaway, maybe it would have been just a touch smarter not to have it walking directly toward the control room in the first place...
      Wuss-boy is too inexplicably brave.   I don't buy it.

Episode 8:   Asuka Strikes

      "You made her cry- it's your fault!"   Yeah- it doesn't have anything at all to do with her being a bitch or with the two of them just not being as coordinated with each other as wuss-boy and Rei.
      Ah...We see that bitch-girl apparently lacks nipples.
      I understand one of the main points of the show, of many animes, is to see giant mecca running around.   Don't get me wrong- I enjoy it myself.   In this story, the whole point of building the Evas appears to be to defeat the angels.   But a machine that is more generalized- the Evas, which can run and jump and shoot things- is inherently less efficient than a more specialized device- such as a rail-mounted version of the positron cannon.   And don't give me 'the angel would just have shot and destroyed it like when it shot at Eva 01.'   Assuming they have the ability to make such a device track its target accurately, it could aim and fire from a moving rail car.   The targeting ability is, I think, a safe assumption since tanks in the real world have such an ability.   Or they could mount the gun on one of those buildings and have it lowering safely out of the way just as it fires.   Or...or...or...   Point being it would be cheaper, easier to build, and probably more efficient.
      And look- the buildings are still up again.   and given the speed of that blast shield raising, a pop-up positron cannon ought to work.
      "Those kids are embarassing us again."   Well, maybe you shouldn't use kids then.

Episode 9:   Unknown

      Did I...miss an episode? Can my life ever be complete?

Episode 10:   Magma Diver

        Wait, what happened to episode 9?   Aw, nuts, I screwed up somewhere along the line.
        Someone ought to explain to Rei about the price of freedom and eternal vigilance...
        Wuss-boy's answer to the question of thermal expansion should have been 'I guess we should experiment- let's try and find out.'
      Why am I not surprised that the angel hatches just as they're trying to raise it?

Episode 11:   In The Still Darkness / The Day Tokyo 3 Stood Still

      "Only 1.2% of them!   Only 9 circuits out of 2,567!"   Hellllooo!   1.2% of 2,567 would be more like 31 circuits!
      "This one's destination must be Tokyo 3."   Really?   What an amazing conclusion!   Considering they ALL head for Tokyo 3...
      Zap, zap with the Eva's gun- no more angel.   And no one can build a gun that works by itself without the Eva?

Episode 12:   She Said "Don't Make Others Suffer For Your Personal Hatred"

Episode 13:   Angel Invasion / Lilliputian Hitcher

      "Angel Invasion?"   We have an angel invading in nearly every single episode!

Episode 14:   Weaving A Story

      It seems to have happened a few times, as it does in this episode- they're running some test on one of the Evas, the Eva goes nuts, they shut the power off, and the Eva continues to go nuts for the 1 minute it's internal charge will last for.   Given that this does not appear to be an uncommon reaction on the part of the Evas, why don't they either disconnect the internal power or at least run it down to at or near zero?
      "The next contestant for the world's most amazing exhibition is...Math Puppy!"

Episode 15:   Those Women Longed For The Touch Of Others' Lips And Thus Invited Their Kisses

      Here we are approaching battle with all those buildings still up...

Episode 16:   Splitting Of The Breast

      Significant info in the episode regarding the Eva's creation.

Episode 17:   The Judgement Of Life

      "You three damn stooges."   Is this a literal translation or was it a Japanese cultural reference that was changed so folks in the U.S. would get it?   If it's literal, I wonder what portion of the Japanese viewership got it?

Episode 18:   Ambivalence

      Okay, so Unit 03's pilot is Toji.   Big flipping deal.   Speaking of which, wuss-boy's flipping out.   Boo-hoo, i've killed someone.   Boo-hoo, it's Toji.   And this (wuss-boy) is the person hand-picked to protect Earth from the angels?   Oh yes, using anti-social, inexperienced 14 year olds is the best way to save the world!
      Oh, and now because we're upset about Toji, we'll threaten to blow up the base.

Episode 19:   A Man's Fight / Introjection

      "...but me, everyone at NERV, had no choice accept to entrust our futures to you."   In other words, you're in deep Kimshe [sic].
      For some reason, to me at least, angel #14 looks like a Holstein...
      Rei, for whatever mysterious origins she has, is doing the job.   None of this stupid, teen angst, boo-hoo I can't do my job because i'm pissed off stuff.   Suicide mission to blow up the angel.   She's the only one of the pilots i've seen so far that I would consider capable.

Episode 20:   Form Of The Mind, Form Of The Man / Weaving A Story 2:   Oral Stage

      Form of the demon, Etrigan.   Wuss-boy survived.   Darn.

Episode 21:   The Birth Of NERV / He Was Aware That He Was Still A Child

Episode 22:   Don't Be

      Ummm...Okay, I won't.

Episode 23:   Rei III

      "The tragedy of the Eva project is it's people."   I agree- they're all psychos.
      5th child.   Yuck.

Episode 24:   The Beginning And The End Or 'Knockin On Heaven's Door'

      "...it was Kaoro that should have survived- he was much better than I am."   That's not saying much since it merely implies that Kaoro came from the population of every single other person on Earth.
      "If everyone hates me, what will I do?"   You'll live with it just like anyone else you complete flipping loser.

Episode 25:   Do You Love Me?

Episode 26:   Finale:   Take Care Of Yourself

      That's it???!!   The whole summation of the series, the whole point, the big climactic moment at the end is wuss-boy learning not to hate himself?   Terribly unsatisfying.
      So that thing at the bottom of the base ended up being Lillith instead of Adam as the last angel expected?   What's the deal?

Evangelion:   Death

      Includes a re-hash of that greatest of high-drama moments from the entire series- the elevator scene!
      With the exception of the 'wuss-boy' playing the cello' scenes, pretty much the entire show is made up of stock footage from the series.   Complete and total waste of time.
      The only thing I can find to speak well of this waste of film about is the reccommendations the fan-sub group added across the top of the screen periodically as to what folks should do to the profiteering bootlegger if they paid some $10 - $30 for the tape.   They suggest:
              Slip them a copy of Battle Can-Can.
              Lock them in a room with Toshifumi Yoshida and a box of Raisinettes.
              Send them a 'love shipment' of fresh gerbils.
              Hunt them down and violate their cat.
      Yes it's a joke.   I mean, they intended it as one.   Don't be offended at them.   I'm a cat person and i'm not because I understand it's a joke.

Evangelion:   Rebirth

      Wuss-boy:   "I am so pathetic."   YES!   I agree.
      Hey...I think that's the first Anime Humvee i've ever seen.
      Wuss-boy is about to be killed.   Misato saves his life.   And now he still wants to just sit there and be miserable.   I have to say, wuss-boy is without a doubt the most complete and total loser in all of Anime.   Nobody, nobody, nobody- not even Kyle (Min-mei's cousin from Robotech) is worse than wuss-boy.
      Subtitled by Cartman's Mom Productions.   Translated from the Chinese subtitles by Mr. Hat.   Timed by Chef.   Edited by Stan Marsh.   Additional help from Kenny McCormick.   Physical assistance by Mrs. Cartman.   Special thanks to the editors of Crack W..h.ore Magazine.   < < I added the ....s so as not to auto-trigger filtering software > >
      And one more suggestion from the fan-subbers:
              Send them a copy of Battle Skipper (dubbed) and watch their heads explode.

Evangelion:   End Of Evangelion

      'Episode 25:   Air'   What?
      Note the SWAT guys behavior right after where Misato and wuss-boy barely make it through the door- when Misato gets hit.   I know they're not necessarily SWAT guys, but that's the best way I know to describe them- the black-clothed soldier guys trying to take over NERVE.   Anyway, the SWAT guys ask for permission to pursue Misato and wuss-boy.   Order is 'no.'   They acknowledge, and do not continue to pursue.   No 'screw the orders, i'm pursuing anyway.'   No 'boo-hoo, my father hates me so i'm going to do whatever the hell I want.'   They follow their orders.   They do their job.   I have more respect for them than for any of the Eva pilots, particularly wuss-boy.
      "I don't have the right to kill or harm people...."   That's right- you're a complete flipping loser wimp.   NERVE would be better off depending on Pen-Pen to pilot the Eva.
      Ah- at last an impressive sequence from one of the Eva pilots (Asuka).   But it looks like she's pretty much defeated- just got hit with a bunch of those spear things- and here worthless piece of you-know-what flipping wuss-boy is- listening to all this, mind you- and still sitting on the floor moping.   I can not- but of course I will try- fully convey the depth of contempt I have for this worthless bit of wasted protoplasm.   And yes, I know he eventually gets in the Eva, makes it up to the surface, sees what's happened to Rei, and looks pretty darned pissed off right as the end credits start to roll.   Of course, when he does presumably defeat the bad Evas it will look impressive, but that won't matter- it's not him, it's not his character, it's not that he's deciding to be brave.   He's just reacting to the sight of what's happened to Rei.
      Oh look- we're doing the heart-thing from Temple Of Doom.
      'Episode 26:   Yours Sincerely'   What?   Now i'm confused- I thought these were supposed to be movies, but 'episode 25' and 'episode 26' seem to imply we're back to normal series.
      So now what?   SEELE's trying to turn wuss-boy into a god or something?   Couldn't they have picked someone better- Kyle (Robotech)?   Sailor Moon?   Anyone?
      The future is up to Ikari's son??   Okay, well I guess the whole world's going to hell then...